Satoshi Nakamoto lost his memory in a car accident. Fourteen years later…
A nursing home on the outskirts of Moscow.
An old man put down his newspaper and said to another, “Mishka, ever heard of Bitcoin? The paper says one Bitcoin’s worth 10 million rubles. What would you do if you had one? I’d blow this place up. It’s so old—old and boring. Like the end credits after a movie.”
Mishka: “End credits have hidden easter eggs, don’t they? Maybe your life’s still got one. Wait, what’d you call that thing worth 10 million rubles?”
Andrei: “Bitcoin! And before I blow this place up, I’ll get you a hearing aid.”
Mishka scratched his head, blinked, and said, “I think I kinda remember… I think I even wrote its first line of code.”
Andrei: “Oh, I was the one who changed your diaper when you first pooped your pants.”
Mishka: “Andrei! I’m not kidding! I remember now! I’m Satoshi Nakamoto.”
Andrei: “Tell the nurse at meal time—she’ll give you two tarts.”
Mishka: “Andrei! You wanna have 10 million rubles? Or more? I can get that for you.”
Andrei: “Mishka, my kidneys are ruined from drinking—they wouldn’t fetch that much. You should go back in time and tell me to lay off the vodka.”
Mishka: “Wait, there’s a computer at the front desk, right?”
Andrei: “Yep, but you need a daughter to use it.”
Mishka: “C’mon, let’s go try. I just remembered a bunch of stuff.”
Andrei: “You got a daughter? You told me you never got married. Was it with a mistress?”
At the nursing home front desk.
Mishka: “Sir, I think my memory’s coming back. Can I use the computer to check if I’m right?”
Andrei: “He’s got a daughter, brown hair.”
Nursing home manager: “Nope.”
Mishka: “If I can, I’ll tip you a Bitcoin.”
Andrei: “They’re real close, I’m sure she’ll visit—we can introduce you then.”
The manager rolled his eyes: “I’m going out for a smoke. Don’t you two look at porn on here.”
Mishka: “Thanks a lot. You’ll feel like you own a Bitcoin soon enough.”
Andrei: “Worth 10 million rubles. If it were me, I’d buy a sports car.”
At the computer.
Andrei: “Mishka, you look like an old Japanese guy.”
Mishka: “I remember everything from before the accident. You know why I’m called Satoshi Nakamoto? It’s an anagram of my name, Mishka Stotan. Kinda narcissistic, huh?”
Andrei: “You know why I’m called Andrei? It’s the name of my mom’s first love.”
Mishka: “What did your dad think about that?”
Andrei: “He never knew. Mom told me after he died. Kinda funny—she told me right there at his grave.”
Mishka: “You know what should be on your tombstone? ‘The guy who woke up Satoshi Nakamoto.’”
Andrei: “Alright, you’re definitely narcissistic. Hurry up and get your Bitcoin—how about we sneak out for a drink?”
Mishka: “If I move this wallet, like a hundred American agents’ll pop up and kill us.”
Andrei: “Maybe we should just find some porn. Do something useful instead of bragging.”
Mishka: “Wait, let me check Bitcoin’s history. A lot’s happened in these ten-odd years.”
Andrei: “Hey, look—someone’s impersonating you. A fat guy. Why not a skinny guy? Are skinny guys rare in Australia?”
Mishka: “Shit, what the hell did they do to Bitcoin? This isn’t what I wanted!”
Andrei: “What’d you want? 20 million rubles?”
Mishka: “You ever read Das Kapital?”
Andrei: “Nope, why?”
Mishka: “We were born in the Soviet Union—you should’ve read it.”
Andrei: “I guess it’s my fault the Soviet Union fell apart ’cause I didn’t read it. Sorry ’bout that. If I’d read Das Kapital, the USSR never would’ve collapsed, NATO wouldn’t be expanding east, there’d be no Russia-Ukraine war… Basically, everything’s ’cause I didn’t read that damn book. They should turn Das Kapital into vodka—I’d definitely take a sip.”
Mishka: “If you wanna know what Das Kapital’s about, check the subtitle: A Critique of Political Economy. Bitcoin’s real point is in its subtitle too—a peer-to-peer electronic cash system. But now they’ve turned it into electronic gold.”
Andrei: “What’s the difference?”
Mishka: “Cash is for spending, gold’s just locked up in bank vaults.”
Andrei: “Okay, how much of that electronic gold you got? Maybe we can trade some for booze?”
Mishka: “This is so disappointing. I’ve got around 1.1 million Bitcoins.”
Andrei: “Trust me, Mishka, don’t tell the nurse that good news—she’ll up your meds.”
Mishka stared fixedly at the screen: “They let me down.”
Andrei: “I let Natasha down too. If I had a Bitcoin, I’d buy her a house. But I’d keep a key—that’s reasonable, right? What do you think?”
Mishka: “Wait, Bitcoin forked. Some people stuck to the right path—Bitcoin Cash! There’s still hope.”
Andrei: “You know most of our meds are just medicinal starch? If you take too many, you won’t need bread. Otherwise you’ll get too fat, like that fake fatty impersonating you.”
Mishka: “Bitcoin Cash is cool—they get it. Wait, Bitcoin Cash even forked into eCash. What’s Avalanche? I need to look into that. This damn internet speed.”
Andrei: “You still gonna get those Bitcoins? You better actually have a daughter.”
Mishka: “Amazing! This is what Bitcoin needs. Andrei, I’m gonna convert all my Bitcoins to eCash when they launch the Avalanche protocol. I’ll send a message: Satoshi Nakamoto supports eCash.”
Andrei: “I say convert to rubles. Buy yourself a car, and I’ll get Natasha a new house—with a garage. You thought about your grave? What’d you say my tombstone should say? ‘The guy who woke up Satoshi Nakamoto’—but he’s so fat, why’d I wake him up? Is he a zombie?”
A few days later, the two lay on a beach, soaking up the sun comfortably.
Andrei: “Mishka, you’re not Satoshi Nakamoto—you’re the Count of Monte Cristo. Think again—who else could you be? Maybe Zeus? Or God?”